I think I lost my sparkle just over two years ago.
Back then, in 2022, I felt like I was thriving. I had just gotten married to the love of my life in the most perfect wedding I could have imagined. We were going on a dream honeymoon to Florida for two weeks of sun, rollercoasters, and good food. I was posting blogs every single week, letting my creativity thrive, creating content I was proud of. I had just been paid for my first ever content creation job and was looking at the possibility of taking on more paid writing work.
But then, I felt my spark, my fire, slowly start to diminish.
My health started to decline at Christmas that year. Well, my health had slowly been declining with an undiagnosed invisible condition since 2019 but it took a big dip in the winter of 2022. As I entered 2023, I became engulfed by daily pain; pulling, aching, burning pain existing in the left side of my body at all times. Flare ups became an almost monthly occurrence; fainting, nausea, stabbing, fatigue, leg weakness, turning to mobility aids to help get around. As the months went on, my life became a cocktail of hot baths, codeine, and cancelled plans. A&E visits, internal scans, and diclofenac. I wasn’t thriving; I felt like I was barely surviving.
After an internal scan showed some rather large red flags, I was booked in for urgent surgery.
The surgery found two patches of endometrial tissue growing where they shouldn’t be growing: one on the outside of my uterus and one behind my left ovary. They cut this away at the root and I was left with a diagnosis of endometriosis. The surgery removed the problem areas that caused the immense pain, sciatica, swelling, and flare ups. However, a diagnosis of endometriosis is a diagnosis of a full body disease, and surgery can’t remove the other symptoms such as chronic fatigue, brain fog, and the damage the disease already had done to my body. Regardless, getting a diagnosis and getting treated was the best outcome a girl could wish for, even if there’s a likely threat of the endometrial tissue returning over time.
Bed rest focused recovery from the surgery took about a month – a month relying on peppermint tea, compression socks, distractions, and the four walls of my home. Once my physical healing was done and I could put my trusty walking stick away, I let myself push down the walls I had been holding up and let my mental healing begin. I think this may have been the biggest healing aspect of them all.
And now? Well, I am mentally feeling great! Physically, I’ve noticed some symptoms that make me worried about some longer-term damage that the disease may have done. However, I have a solid gynaecological team who is there to walk me through this. But compared to how I was at the start of 2024, I am physically stronger, more mentally stable, and am learning to live with this disease, not be governed by it. I have a little cocktail of medications, vitamins, and coping mechanisms up my sleeve that help me govern the everyday symptoms that still exist with the condition (Metformin and Magnesium – you are game changers!)
This adjustment to life post-surgery has made me rather introspective, thinking about who I am now compared to who I was when I was thriving. A few months ago, I was the shell of the woman I once was. And now? Well, everything seems to slowly be coming together. My relationship is back to being a dual journey, not just focused on my care; I am able to put effort and care into the work I do; I’ve even been able to start working on the DIY aspects of the house again. But I am still missing my sparkle. The thing that glints in my eye when I talk about something creative. The little fire that lights in my stomach. The passion that whirls when I am thinking.
With that introspection, I’ve realised I’ve let a lot of things in my life drop, because I simply did not have the capacity when I was as ill as I was. Things that seem so small and simple, yet form the building blocks to a flourishing and joyful life. My life is forever changed by my experience, but that doesn’t mean I cannot once again thrive.
So, how am I going about getting the sparkle back?
- Keeping on top of my medication. So many people worry about being put on anti-depressants because it may “dull their sparkle”. Honey, I need mine to sparkle (and I have done for quite a few years). However, post-diagnosis, I am on a lot more medication and vitamins than I ever have been and it can be difficult to adjust; new times to take them, new foods to avoid, new prescriptions to fulfil. But in order to get back to shining like I once was, I need to organise myself and keep on top of them.
- Exploring the outside world. In the months leading up to my surgery, I started to avoid leaving my house where possible. Being around people didn’t scare me, nor did the act of going places, but I started to develop a fear of being stuck. Stuck somewhere when a flare up hits; being outside of the house when I need hydrotherapy; having my TENS machine die at work; having my bag stolen with all my pain relief. And then, it just became too hard to leave the house. My leg started buckling when I walked, my pain level was too high, the chronic fatigue took over. But as part of my post-op recovery, I started walking outside again. The distances got bigger, the locations further away, and my hours outside have started to creep up. I just need to make sure I keep reaching for that fresh air when I start to feel that claustrophobia and fear kick in.
- I know it seems so basic – I know – but there’s something about special about the routine of skincare. I used to be an eight-step skincare routine kinda girlie, SPF in the mornings, exfoliating once a week. I had that locked down. But at the moment, I’m putting on moisturiser twice a week, if that. Doing a full routine in the morning set me up well for the day, like I had achieved something already. In the evening, it was also a signifier that my day was done, and I could relax.
- Reading. I used to absorb books like they were oxygen. But being in pain every single day made in hard to focus on words, on characters, on stories. Non-fiction books used to allow me to learn and expand my horizons. Fiction books fuelled my creativity and fed my ideas. Now that I’m in a better position, I just need to accept I’ve fallen out of the reading routine and need to actively pick up a darn book!
- Making time to write. I am a serial planner. I make schedules upon schedules outlining when to post blogs, coming up with titles and notes. But when it comes to writing them out? I don’t think I’ve done that in months. I managed to post my 2024 favourites but before that, the last post I wrote was in August and the ones before that were all taken from my drafts! I feel alive when I write – the energy in my body is electric and calm all at once. I used to start each morning with a journaling session to clear my mind and make time every single day to dedicate to my own creative and non-fiction endeavours.
Not having the energy to write or do for months has truly made me forget what that feeling is like. It’s only when I started to write this that it all came crashing back, like a wave. I didn’t even start this as a blog post. I was going to be three lines at the top of a Notion page dedicated to getting my sparkle back, and look at me now…
Rosie x
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rosie abigail 
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