I have something important to say and I hope that you won’t think any less of me. I don’t really know how to start. First off, I’m so sorry. I’ve let you all down. You all believed in me and I’m sorry for failing you. Secondly, you won’t be hearing from me for a while; society will shun me, some sort of law enforcement may even get involved, and it’s just best if I lay low for a while. I hope you can all forgive me and are not horribly disgusted at my actions.
Here’s the issue.
My body… is not ‘beach body ready’.
I know, I know – some of you are vomiting in disgust, screaming, crying – ‘Rosie, why did you do this? Rosie, why has this happened to you? Rosie, you had so much potential!’ I’m sorry, I’ve failed you all. I’ve failed Cosmo, I’ve failed Karl Lagerfeld, I’ve failed Kate Moss. Worst of all, (and it pains me to sat this), I’ve failed Vogue. Gosh, I’m a monster.
I’ve made the decision to write an apology letter to the world. It’s the least I can do.
I’m sorry that I never followed the ‘Get Beach Ready in 6 Weeks’ fad diet.
I’m sorry that I have thunder thighs and a wibbly waist (disgusting).
I’m sorry that I do not have the clear, tight skin of a 4 year old.
I’m sorry that my stretch marks exist.
I’m sorry that one boob is bigger than the other (I’m a disgrace).
I’m sorry that I didn’t do the ‘1000 Squats a Day to a Firm Beach Butt Challenge’.
I’m sorry I have frizzy hair and bags under my eyes and roots that haven’t been sorted in 4 months.
I’m sorry that I’m a size 10 and I wear a bikini in which things wobble (don’t I ever think of anyone else?).
I’m sorry that I’m not the amalgamation of Scarlett Johansson, Cara Delevingne, a Sports Illustrated cover model, and a wax candle.
I am not beach body ready. I can no longer set foot on a beach. I am banned from all pools, beaches and lakes. If I get within 5 yards of sand, I will immediately be killed. I shall be hiding underneath a blanket all summer until I can correctly answer OK Mag’s ‘Are you beach body ready?’ quiz.
I hope you can all forgive me for being so selfish. I mean, I make myself look lovely for others, that’s the whole point.
Maybe one day I will be ‘beach body ready’. Sigh.
Apologetic and kind regards,
(Actually, I’m in Dubai. I’m next to a beach. I have a body. Surely that means I’m beach body ready? LET’S PUT ON MY SWIMSUIT AND SHOW MY STRETCH MARKS OFF TO THE WORLD)
(I hope you all know this was a satirical post. I am in no way sorry for my wibbly wobbly beach body. I look damn good in a bikini and I’m proud of that. It doesn’t matter how you look, as long as you are healthy and happy. Lesson over.)
(Originally posted on May 24th 2016)